We've all heard that consistency is the key to good parenting. But many parents believe that it's more important than it really is. If you're doing simple behavior modification then consistency is essential. Giving the reward or punishment every time you see the behavior will reinforce change.
Behavior modification as a science began in the early 1900s when Pavlov made some exciting discoveries as he worked with dogs. If he consistently rang a bell just before he fed the dogs, then he could get the dogs to salivate by simply ringing the bell. This discovery of how to motivate a dog was picked up by Watson in the 1920s and he began to apply behavior modification to people. In fact, it wasn't long before behavior modification became a primary way to help people stop smoking, lose weight, and deal with a host of other behavioral issues.
By the 1950s behavior modification became the primary tool for parenting. Giving rewards and punishment to children worked quite well to modify their behavior. And one of the things they all learned was that the key to behavior modification is consistency. The more consistent you are, the faster you'll see change.
People, however, are different than animals because they have hearts and that affects the learning process. The heart contains things like emotions, desires, convictions, and passion. In short, the heart is a wrestling place where decisions are made. A child's tendencies come from the heart. When a child lies to get out of trouble, that's a heart issue. If a brother reacts with anger each time his sister is annoying, that's a heart issue. Simply focusing on behavior may provide some quick change, but lasting change takes place in the heart.
Parents who simply use behavior modification often end up with kids who look good on the outside while having significant problems on the inside. Consistency can teach kids to appear good, clean, and nice but other parenting skills must be added to the picture in order to help children change their hearts.
Rhonda finds this principle particularly helpful. "I used to feel guilty all the time because I can't be consistent. I have four kids and a house to run. Invariably I'd have to sacrifice consistency in an area with one or more of my kids to accomplish my other tasks. When I realized that there's more to parenting than just being consistent, it freed me up to work on bigger goals with my kids. The consistency trap produced a lot of guilt in me. Now I realize that there's much more to parenting and I feel freed up to use other tools as well. I'm continually asking question about my children's hearts and I'm learning a lot about how to mold and influence them to go in the right direction. I'm seeing more change in my kids with this new approach."
When training dogs to salivate, then consistency is essential. But you're trying to raise children. You don't want children to do the right thing just so that they can get a reward. If you do, then kids learn to ask the question, "What's in it for me?" "What am I going to get if I do what you say?" Instead, you want children to change their hearts. You want them to ask the question, "What's the right thing to do here?" That shift in thinking is what we call "heart work."
As children grow older, you can move further away from a simple behavior modification approach. And when you do, and you're focusing on the heart, then another quality besides consistency becomes even more important: creativity.
The heart is where children believe things. It's where they develop operating principles about life. Kids learn through experience, stories, activity, and modeling. Sometimes children develop resistance in their hearts to a consistent approach. The same lecture over and over again builds up immunity through patterns of arguing, bad attitudes, and manipulation. Furthermore, kids tend to want bigger and bigger rewards for compliance.
Creativity has the ability to move around the resistance of children and allows a truth to explode with meaning inside the heart. The best teachers are the ones who use creative teaching methods to communicate their point. Ed is mean to his sister. Dave is trying to help his son develop kindness. Sometimes he uses a consequence to correct his son. Other times he requires an apology, or has his son practice doing the right thing, requiring three acts of kindness before Ed can go.
Dave is also having his son memorize scripture, and they've had several conversations about cruelty in the adult world. Dave is helping his son develop compassion for people, and they recently attended the Special Olympics to give them a better sense of empathy for others who are different. Dave will be successful with his son. It'll take time, but his commitment to creativity will help his son develop a better response toward his sister and eventually to others in life.
Please don't misunderstand us. Consistency is important, especially when kids are young. But if you think more broadly about parenting and embrace creativity into your training, then you'll be more effective at molding the hearts of your kids at any age. Your primary task as parent is to teach your kids, and a little work in the creativity department can make all the difference.
Deuteronomy 11:18-20 not only tells parents to train their kids but it tells them how to do it. Notice the creativity opportunities designed by God. "Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates." If you take that verse apart you'll start thinking about your own home and your own kids and creative ways to teach them about life.
Even in Old Testament times God knew that kids learn best through life experiences. Add creativity to your parenting goals and you'll enhance your training ten-fold.
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